We Lost Our Baby :( We now have 2 children in Heaven.

I got the horrible news on April 15, 2011 that my Beta had dropped. A miscarriage is on the way. :( I am beyond words. My body feels as if my heart and soul are slowly and painfully being ripped from my body. When I wake up the next morning I feel EMPTY. I feel as something Huge has been lost and that it will never be found or put back. The empiness feeling is probably the hardest to deal with. What once was a growing healthy new life in my womb is now dying and leaving my body. This is so painful. I am trying to stay strong but it is hard. This is our second child we have lost in 4 short months. It doesnt seem fair, but my faith tells me that there is a reason that my baby had to go with God. My faith is still strong! I will not give up this fight! God is good! I believe 100% that we WILL have a healthy child soon. Infertility will NOT win! We WILL win!!! This is a promise to myself and just something that I have faith in.

I am only one out of 8 million Amercians who is suffering with this disease. I believe more awareness needs to be brought forth. The government does not seem to take this disease as serious as it should be taken. Only 14 states in the USA have mandatory insurance coverage for IF. The rest of us have to pay Everything out of pocket. I feel Infertility is compared to cosmetic surgery and that infuriates me! The places that we infertiles have to go to for loans are the same company's that give loans for boobs jobs, I mean WTF!?!? Most woman are born with completely healthy reproductive organs and having children is just the normal thing, it's the way God made woman. Well Infertility means that we have some underlying problem or disease that is keeping us from being able to reproduce. Why isnt it seen this way??? Something needs to change. Infertiltiy is a very real disease. It causes horrible depression and aniexty. It causes plenty of physical pain. We need a change and we need it soon! Please help this cause in anyway that you can. Do some research and find ways to help. Chances are that someone close to you is suffering but they are suffering in silence due to embarassement. As a woman it is embarassing not to be able to do what most other women can due without any second thoughts about it.
I have lost the only children that I have to Infertility and I will Never give up this fight!

18 days post IUI #4 ~ God is Great!!!

I had my thrid Beta test today and am so happy! I am relieved and full of joy and praise! My faith is so strong and 100% believe that we have a completely healthy and strong baby growing inside my womb. I have been praying to God, Jesus and Saint Gianna everyday, a few times a day. I am so grateful for our miracle!

Beta's are suppose to double every 48hrs to 72hrs, but 48hrs is the normal range. Here are my results so far!
13dpiui- Beta 25 ... Progesterone 10
14dpiui- Beta 37 ... Progesterone 17 (this one was taken 24hrs from the first one)
18dpiui- Beta 150 ... Progesterone 20.1
I go in Wed. for another Beta whitch is done through blood work. We are looking for it to be somewhere around 300.
Then in about 2 weeks we will have our very first ultrasound. We will get to see our Sweet Pea and hopefully be able to hear a nice, strong heartbeat!

Tomorrow, April 12th, is my birthday and this is the most Amazing birthday I have ever had. I am so blessed and I am so thankful and grateful for the new life that we created and all the amazing people in my life!

Dear God, Jesus and St. Gianna,
I praise and worship you! I am so thankful and grateful for the strong and healthy new life that is growing perfectly in my womb. I feel You all with me and it is so amazing. Please watch over our miracle baby always. Please let my Beta's keep rising and doubling every 48 hrs. Please let our baby have a strong heartbeat. Please let our baby be completely healthy in everyway. I have complete faith in all of You. I always need You, but right now I really need You all more than I ever have before. I believe 100% that you will protect the new life growing in my womb and give us a healthy 9 months of pregnancy and finally the delivery of our healthy child! Thank you so much for this Wonderful gift, this Amazing miracle! I am so grateful! Please hear and answer these prayers God, Jesus and St. Gianna. I have complete faith in all of You and I love You all with all that I am.
Amen!

God is Great!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

IUI #4 = Big Fat Positive!!! God is Good! :0)

Well today was my first BETA 4/6/2011. I am either 12dpo or 13dpo. It is hard to pinpoint the exact date. I had gotten the call in the early afternoon. The first thing I hear is "Congratulations you are Pregnant"!
Praise God was my first thought. This may finally be THE ONE, our miracle baby.
My first Beta was 25.
 I was hoping and praying for a higher number, but I am filled with Joy! My progesterone was 10. So things are looking pretty good right now. I go back tomorrow morning 4/7/2011 for another Beta to check and see if it is rising. I am scared because just 3 short months ago we lost our precious baby. I do not know if I can handle another loss. I have faith in God and I believe that my Beta will show a nice rise tomorrow. That is the most important thing in early pregnancy, my Beta HAS to rise or else I will miscarry and loose another one of my precious children. I have been praying to Saint Gianna and I feel that she is with me.

I need my lil Sweet Pea to continue growing, to be healthy and strong, and have my Beta numbers rise consistantly. This is a very stressful process. Tomorrow could be The Best day of my life! My birthday is on April 12th. This is the most amazing birthday present Ever! I am so very blessed! Thank you God, Jesus and Saint Gianna for giving us our miracle that we have been waiting for. I have complete faith in You all and I believe with all my heart and soul that You will protect our little one from any harm so that we will have a healthy 9 months of pregnancy and deliver a healthy child.
God is Great!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

2 Week Wait for Final IUI (#4)

I am now 4dpIUI. The hardest part of fertility treatments is the 2ww. Your mind goes back and fourth, I am pregnant to No, it didnt work. It is so exhausting! The 2 weeks seem to go by so slow. I analyze every single symptom that I have. I am so anxious with this IUI because it is our final try. I am really afraid to hear your Beta was negative. If we are unsuccessful this means I have to have surgery and then move onto IVF.
IVF costs about 12,000.00 a try and you only have a 30% to 40% chance of it working. It makes me so mad that insurance does not cover any of this! Infertiltiy is a very debilitating disease, it should be treated as one! My mind never stops... How will we afford IVF? If we ask for donations for our cause will people even help us? What if it does not work and we may have to live childless for the rest of our lives? These thoughts haunt me every single day! I can not even imagine living the rest of my life without being a Mommy. Tears come to my eyes instantly at the thought. God, this is so hard!

I am trying to be completely positive this cycle. This is the Best cycle I have ever had! I am so excited yet so afraid. I bought special visulazation meditation CD's to listen to every day. For the first time in over 2 years I am allowing myself to be hopeful. In my mind I AM pregnant! I WILL have a positive pregnancy test! We are recieving our Miracle! So right now I have one or two Sweet Pea's (embryo's) growing in my tubes. They are growing hunderds and thousands of cells. They are dividing and becoming strong. My Sweet Pea will implant into my uterus! We are pregnant! This is my everyday thought process. I will find out the results 4 days before my 29th birthday. Oh what an amazing birthday present this will be! April 8, 2011 will be the best day of our lives!
I have complete Faith and I Believe!

Final IUI tomorrow at 9:30 am. Very Excited!

Well this is it, Our final IUI! It is on 3/24/2011. I am so excited, yet also scared. I am feeling healthy and positive. My protocol was 300ui Follistim in the am and 300ui of Bravelle in the pm. I stimmed for 9 days. My last u/s and b/w was on 2/22/2011. U/S and B/W results.....
Lt. Ovary- 19.5mm, 18.5mm, 16mm
Rt Ovary- 16.5mm, 16.5mm, 15.5mm
Lining- 11.6mm perefct triphastic pattern
Estridol- 1,117
This was all done 15 hrs. before trigger so I am asumming I have had more growth in my follicles and Estridol levels. It looks like I have 5 or 6 mature healthy follicles! My thinking is that out of 5 follicles one of them will release the most perfect, high quality egg! That egg will fertalize and implant, maybe even two! I am very excited and I think my odds of success are very high for this cycle.  My Beta is scheduled for
April 8, 2011. This is 4 days before my 29th birthday! I am praying that this will be the BEST birthday gift ever! My faith is strong and I believe it is our time!
We can use all the positive thoughts and prayers possible :)
I will keep you all updated and hopefully I will be jumping for joy with a BFP!!!
<3 <3 <3

On to my Final IUI (IUI #4)

Well on 2/23/2011 I recieved a BFN from IUI #3. I had really high hopes after my positive in Jan. It is still so hard knowing that my precious Angel is gone, but I know she is happy with God in Heaven. This gives me some comfort.
I am now waiting to start IUI #4. This will be my final IUI and I am so scared, nervous and excited! I do not want to give up, but unfortunately insurance does not cover anything. All of our procedures are out of pocket. If this IUI fails we will be moving onto IVF in July 2011, if we have the money. IVF is about $20,000.00! Why does this have to be so hard???? It just does'nt feel fair. I keep calm by knowing that God is with me always and I believe that He will give us our miracle!
IUI #4 should start in the next few days. My RE is going with an aggressive approach since this is my final cycle with him. I will be on FSH injections only. I am hoping and praying that this will make my follicles and eggs healthier and completely mature. I am also hoping that this will give me at least 4 mature follicles to ovulate. This will be my 3rd month doing acupuncture. I Love acupuncture, but this is also very pricey. It is suppose to help me make healthy eggs by increasing the blood flow through my reproductive organs and balancing my Chi. We have so many people praying for us and that brings me joy and comfort. It is amazing how much support my husband and I have. I am so grateful and thankful for all of you!
I will update as my cycle continues and hopefully this IUI will bring us the baby that we long for!

Great... Now a Cyst in my ovary ... ARGGHHH and Small things are sending me to into saddness

Well I finally recieved AF on Jan. 10th. I went to my RE the next day for b/w and u/s. I alreday had a dominant follicle growing, but my left ovary showed a cyst. He thought I would be fine and that I could start my stim. meds, but the b/w came back with my estridol ay 431. So I am now on Birth control. I take four pills a day for five days! This seems like alot to me, but I only have one more day left. I am praying that the cyst is gone when AF comes after I am finished with the BCP.

As you all I know I had my first pregancy and then my first miscarriage on Jan. 10, 2011. I have been waiting for it to hit me hard and for me to cry it out, but so far I am not sure if I have fully grieved. I can be watching TV or listening to a song and I will just start crying. Anything that reminds me of our lost sets me off. I wonder if this will be forever? I miss and love my Angel baby so much! I strongly believe that our precious baby is now our gaurdian Angel of fertilty. Even though we lost her, I still feel like I am Mother, I will always be a Mom, even though I didnt get to hold my child or kiss my sweet baby. I know what it is to love my child more than anything and I believe that this makes me a Mom! No, I know that I am a Mother and I always will be. I take comfort in this, but the pain is still very real and so hard. I know my Angel is with God in heaven and I take comfort in this. I pray that it is God's will to grant us the blessing of conception again, along with a healthy 9 months of pregnancy <333

May God bless you all and may all your prayers be answered <333