Well I finally recieved AF on Jan. 10th. I went to my RE the next day for b/w and u/s. I alreday had a dominant follicle growing, but my left ovary showed a cyst. He thought I would be fine and that I could start my stim. meds, but the b/w came back with my estridol ay 431. So I am now on Birth control. I take four pills a day for five days! This seems like alot to me, but I only have one more day left. I am praying that the cyst is gone when AF comes after I am finished with the BCP.
As you all I know I had my first pregancy and then my first miscarriage on Jan. 10, 2011. I have been waiting for it to hit me hard and for me to cry it out, but so far I am not sure if I have fully grieved. I can be watching TV or listening to a song and I will just start crying. Anything that reminds me of our lost sets me off. I wonder if this will be forever? I miss and love my Angel baby so much! I strongly believe that our precious baby is now our gaurdian Angel of fertilty. Even though we lost her, I still feel like I am Mother, I will always be a Mom, even though I didnt get to hold my child or kiss my sweet baby. I know what it is to love my child more than anything and I believe that this makes me a Mom! No, I know that I am a Mother and I always will be. I take comfort in this, but the pain is still very real and so hard. I know my Angel is with God in heaven and I take comfort in this. I pray that it is God's will to grant us the blessing of conception again, along with a healthy 9 months of pregnancy <333
May God bless you all and may all your prayers be answered <333
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I recieved my first BFP ever, sadly I am loosing the baby :(
Yesterday I recieved the call that my BETA was 8.6. I am Pregnant, Praise God! I was told to be cautiously opptimistic. I knew deep down that most likely my little Sweet Pea would not survive, but I also believe in MIRACLES!
I went in for blood work this morning and my BETA is dropping, :( I was told to stop the progesterone and I will naturally miscarry. I am very sad, but at the same time I feel relief. I have been asking, sometimes begging God for a sign. I wanted to know if IUI is the right path and if it was even possible for me to concieve. I am relieved to know that DH and I can concieve (because we just did) and this is a reason to rejoice. I am sad because I am losing my baby as I write this. I know I am only 4w 1d, but the pain is still very real. Yeasterday was THE BEST day of my life so far. So now I will have an Angel baby in heaven and I do totally believe this. I have recieved my sign and I am thankful for this.
When AF arrives I will be moving on to IUI #3. I am praying that 3rd times a charm and by the end of the year I will be holding our baby in my arms :)
I went in for blood work this morning and my BETA is dropping, :( I was told to stop the progesterone and I will naturally miscarry. I am very sad, but at the same time I feel relief. I have been asking, sometimes begging God for a sign. I wanted to know if IUI is the right path and if it was even possible for me to concieve. I am relieved to know that DH and I can concieve (because we just did) and this is a reason to rejoice. I am sad because I am losing my baby as I write this. I know I am only 4w 1d, but the pain is still very real. Yeasterday was THE BEST day of my life so far. So now I will have an Angel baby in heaven and I do totally believe this. I have recieved my sign and I am thankful for this.
When AF arrives I will be moving on to IUI #3. I am praying that 3rd times a charm and by the end of the year I will be holding our baby in my arms :)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
9 DPIUI #2
Today I am 9dpiui. My test to see if I am pregnant is on Jan. 3rd. I did have high hopes of a positive but my hopes have gone down. I dont know how I am going to handle another negative. I am praying for a magical New Year that is filled with a growimg belly and the birth of our child. I have been through a lot in my life and this by far is that hardest!
Our insurance does not cover ANYTHING! Everything is out of pocket. IVF is $10,000. How will this viod in my soul be filled when EVERYTHING is so expensive and it is not guarenteed, but at this point I am willing to do Anything to just have the chance to do IVF. That is my goal for the new year. I pray that we somehow get to do IVF.
Today I am depressed and not feeling very good :(
Our insurance does not cover ANYTHING! Everything is out of pocket. IVF is $10,000. How will this viod in my soul be filled when EVERYTHING is so expensive and it is not guarenteed, but at this point I am willing to do Anything to just have the chance to do IVF. That is my goal for the new year. I pray that we somehow get to do IVF.
Today I am depressed and not feeling very good :(
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The Pain of Infertility and Our Journey to become Parents begins...
Hello, my name is Amy. My husband an I were married on Sept. 22, 2007. That day was the best day of my life. We never thought that expanding our family would be hard, we figured that when you start trying you become pregnant you will become pregnant. One year after our marriage we decided it was time to have children. We thought "By next year we will have a beautiful child to hold in our arms". Sadly, that is not the case. Over 6 million couples in the US are currently suffering with fetility problems.
Infertility, how I HATE this word! It has caused so much heart ache and pain in my life! I feel like a piece of my soul is missing and only a child to hold in my arms can ever fill that hole. I will admit that it is hard to see other pregnant women, or little children with their moms. Seeing this reminds me of what me and my husband may never have. It may sound ridiculous to you, you may be thinking I am acting like a baby myself. You are entilited to your own opinion, but I can tell you that this pain is VERY real! It has caused me depression with nights of tears that fall uncontrolably. The pain starts to feel unbearable. I start to think... Why has God forgotten about us?, What sin did I commit to have my womb be barren?, Will I ever hear the words I Love You Mom?. I feel this pain and these questions on a daily basis. However I do know that God has not forgotten about us. I know that God is with me and that He has the most amazing plan for my life. I have finally come to terms that I have to live by God's will and be patient, and this is what I continue to do everyday.
We started seeing an reproductive endocronlogist the summer of 2010. After many tests and being probed non stop we were diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility". So basically the doctors can not find a reason why we are unable to concieve. This diagnosis is so hard because none of our questions are answered.
In Oct. 2010 we started our medictaions to have our first IUI. This is when they stimulate my ovaries to produce 2-3 healthy eggs. They then give me a shot to make me ovulate, and 36hrs later my husbands sperm is inserted into my uterus. IUI has to be timed perfectly with ovulation or else it will be unsuccessful. Two weeks after our IUI I recieved the call that we were not pregnant. I lost it. I cried my heart and soul out. I grieved for the child that would not be. It was the worst pain in my life.
I am now on day 3 in my 2 week wait for IUI #2. We started our medications in early Dec. 2010. I produced 3 great follicles (eggs) that were 20mm, 17mm, & 16mm. These follicles are more mature and bigger than my first IUI. I started reading Hannah's Hope and started meditation with positive affirmations. I also started acupuncture. Acupuncture has helped me so much! This time around everything feels different. I am filled with hope! I do feel that it is our time to get that positive pregnancy test! All I can do is pray that is our time. The rest is up to my body and God.
No matter what my husband and I are a family! Once you are married, you become a family. Children are not needed to be considered a family. Most people do not believe this to be true and that also hurts me. The bible says that children are blessing. They are not gaurenteed. Deep down I do feel that I will get to hold our child in our arms, I have complete Faith that I will hear "I love you Mom". I believe in this with all my heart and soul! We will find out on January 3, 2011 if we are pregnant. My prayers continue to be that we will recieve the most amazing Christmas present ever, pregnancy!
Infertility, how I HATE this word! It has caused so much heart ache and pain in my life! I feel like a piece of my soul is missing and only a child to hold in my arms can ever fill that hole. I will admit that it is hard to see other pregnant women, or little children with their moms. Seeing this reminds me of what me and my husband may never have. It may sound ridiculous to you, you may be thinking I am acting like a baby myself. You are entilited to your own opinion, but I can tell you that this pain is VERY real! It has caused me depression with nights of tears that fall uncontrolably. The pain starts to feel unbearable. I start to think... Why has God forgotten about us?, What sin did I commit to have my womb be barren?, Will I ever hear the words I Love You Mom?. I feel this pain and these questions on a daily basis. However I do know that God has not forgotten about us. I know that God is with me and that He has the most amazing plan for my life. I have finally come to terms that I have to live by God's will and be patient, and this is what I continue to do everyday.
We started seeing an reproductive endocronlogist the summer of 2010. After many tests and being probed non stop we were diagnosed with "Unexplained Infertility". So basically the doctors can not find a reason why we are unable to concieve. This diagnosis is so hard because none of our questions are answered.
In Oct. 2010 we started our medictaions to have our first IUI. This is when they stimulate my ovaries to produce 2-3 healthy eggs. They then give me a shot to make me ovulate, and 36hrs later my husbands sperm is inserted into my uterus. IUI has to be timed perfectly with ovulation or else it will be unsuccessful. Two weeks after our IUI I recieved the call that we were not pregnant. I lost it. I cried my heart and soul out. I grieved for the child that would not be. It was the worst pain in my life.
I am now on day 3 in my 2 week wait for IUI #2. We started our medications in early Dec. 2010. I produced 3 great follicles (eggs) that were 20mm, 17mm, & 16mm. These follicles are more mature and bigger than my first IUI. I started reading Hannah's Hope and started meditation with positive affirmations. I also started acupuncture. Acupuncture has helped me so much! This time around everything feels different. I am filled with hope! I do feel that it is our time to get that positive pregnancy test! All I can do is pray that is our time. The rest is up to my body and God.
No matter what my husband and I are a family! Once you are married, you become a family. Children are not needed to be considered a family. Most people do not believe this to be true and that also hurts me. The bible says that children are blessing. They are not gaurenteed. Deep down I do feel that I will get to hold our child in our arms, I have complete Faith that I will hear "I love you Mom". I believe in this with all my heart and soul! We will find out on January 3, 2011 if we are pregnant. My prayers continue to be that we will recieve the most amazing Christmas present ever, pregnancy!
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